Godspeed, Osama!

Posted January 29th, 2010 by Jim Ettwein

For those of you who have been too busy working your high-paying jobs that Obama’s stimulus got you or flaunting your Cadillac Health Care plans in the faces of the less fortunate, you may not be aware of our nation’s latest transgressions in the eyes of Allah and his self-appointed God-incarnate, Osama bin Laden.

Apparently the United States (you know, ‘The Great Satan’) was not satisfied with just occupying the Arab lands in an attempt to destroy the Islamic faith (you remember when we voted for that, right?) but has now found a new, albeit slightly more indirect and long-term, way to really stick it in Osama and Co’s collective craw—global warming.

Although bin Laden specifically called for a boycott of the US Dollar in order to halt “the wheels of the American economy,” it will bring all Americans some semblance of relief to know that the jolly sheik did spread some of the blame around, noting that it was Western, industrialized nations in general who were responsible for “hunger, desertification, and floods across the globe.”

Not to sound overly skeptical but, given that several of the world’s leading scientific experts on global warming have recently been forced to fess up to the fact that their data was completely bunk, I don’t know that I am entirely ready to trust the opinions of a guy who spent the last decade huddled in a cave with nothing more than a Sony Handycam and a few goats to keep him company. I mean, this guy’s concept of a ‘carbon footprint’ is what he sees at the bottom of his fire-pit after stomping out the last embers to avoid a bullet from the Marine snipers in the adjacent hills.

To me, this begs a very obvious question—for a guy suddenly so concerned about the well-being of our planet, who or what does he want to save it for? Osama’s rhetoric is, and always has been, the same clap-trap about the evils of the industrialized Judeo-Christian West creeping further and further across the globe. His primary method of stopping this is to direct his minions to martyr themselves with the promise of 70+ virgins (undoubtedly clad in modest, concealing garb from head-to-toe) upon completion of their murderous deeds.

This is a guy whose own son, Omar, recently released a book detailing how he (along with Osama’s 20+ other offspring from Allah knows how many different women) were raised in toy-less, joyless homes, subject to routine beatings, and who frequently lost their pets to horrific deaths as test-subjects for the poison-gas experiments of their father’s cronies. Omar’s book also notes that his protest upon being asked by his father to volunteer for a suicide mission (Osama ‘asked’ all of children to do this) was met with, “You hold no more place in my heart than any boy or man in the entire country. This is true of all my sons.”

'Osama's Pet Sitting Service' was a short-lived venture

So, I ask again, for whom does he intend to save the planet? Surely not for his own children, or any of his Muslim brethren, as he would gladly have them fill their jocks with C-4 and board the next West-bound plane. It certainly could not be for anyone else either as essentially all non-Muslims are, to bin Laden, the very people who must be exterminated by his own directives. That would leave only one person for which he must believe the world is worth saving and that, my friends, is Osama himself. Omar makes a very telling observation in his book along these very lines, noting that, “…my father hated his enemies more than he loved his sons.” For any man so filled with hate and so devoid of love, even for those closest to him, I question why he has not decided to hop that explosive-laden bus to Virginville a long time ago and stop ruining it for the rest of us who are shackled with at least a few shreds of compassion and human decency.

I am reminded of the words of Dostoevsky, “Fathers and teachers, I ponder ‘What is Hell?’ I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.” I believe these words to be true and can only add that I hope that whatever Hell Osama currently knows in this life pales in comparison to the one waiting him the day he shuffles off to the next. Godspeed, Osama!

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